there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
