Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
