peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
