I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
