We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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