i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
