You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
