saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
