Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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