I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
