I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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