So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
