Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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