I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
