i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
