I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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