Sry I called you an 8
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
