It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We need to get me chipped asap
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