my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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