I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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