this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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