When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize