you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
