I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
