Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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