i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
