my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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