Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
