You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
