i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
