U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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