I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
