Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
