My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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