Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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