fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how can u be prego again
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
