the condom got lost in my hair
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
