I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
