There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I deserve this hangover.
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