remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
