im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize