Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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