I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
