and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
