I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
