omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
