had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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