as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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