at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
