When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We are all done wearing pants today
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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