My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
