Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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