Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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