please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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