I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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