She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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