Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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