And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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