smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are all done wearing pants today
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