I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
