Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
