hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
