I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
well you can't waste a boner
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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