How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
