Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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